Brian Doyle, "Some Thorny Questions About The Resurrection"

And I don't mean theological or ontological or scriptural or hermeneutical questions, I mean real questions, like did He have to pee like a racehorse after three long days? And what's the first thing He said when He woke up, did He say where's my wallet? Or did He say sweet mother of the Lord, that is absolutely the last time I drink wine? Or where is my posse? or who are these two men in white at my head and at my feet, Are they hospital orderlies or nurses from the nuthouse or navy midshipmen or what? And when Mary of Magdala didn't recognize Him, and thought He was the gardener, Did He want to say, my God, Mary, the gardener, do I look like a shaggy botanist? And did He think, boy, I would give my left arm for some fresh grilled fish and bread, Or man, when a guy gets wrapped for the tomb do they use enough linen and spices? And between you and me I am sure that there are also many other things Jesus thought The which if they should be written every one I suppose that even the wild world itself Could not contain the books that should be written. Like where did He get a decent cup Of coffee that morning? And who paid for it? And why was He razzing Peter so much? And when He saith unto Mary, woman, touch me not, was that a personal space issue? Or was she one of those people who when they touch you it tickles even if they do not Try to tickle you? You know what I mean? And when He appeared along the lakeshore, And on the road to Emmaus, had He, you know, borrowed a shirt and a pair of pants? Of all the hints and suggestions in the Gospels that Jesus may have had a few brothers, That's the tiny hint that seems revealing to me, don't you think He might've swung by His brothers' apartment and nicked a shirt and left a note: dude, I'll make it up to you... 

Brian Doyle is the editor of Portland Magazine